Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got 3 miles in before breakfast.

That’s enough driving for the day

Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse

Me: how so?

Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt

Me: ok you win

We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.

Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.

The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait

Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.

Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!

Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.

My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.

my friends: “im not a hater but-”

me: “dont worry i am”

Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.

I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.

1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. Me

Things my wife doesn’t want in cider

Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat

5: are there people coming tomorrow?

me: no why?

5: well you guys cleaned the house

If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.

*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”

– me every time I watch Toy Story 3

if the bag is matte the chips are healthy

Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director

2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it

I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing

So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns

Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught

If you’re thinking of having kids, please know that my 8 year old is currently sobbing because my 5 year old won’t let him talk to his pet balloon.

Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason

whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!

“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”

wow ok you did not age well

You know what really makes me smile?

Fascial muscles.

I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?

wow he looks just like him

I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids

If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them

Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.

What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?