“what’s your ideal vacation?”
dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.
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Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
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Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
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I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
me doing my best
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.