“what’s your ideal vacation?”
dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.
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*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Buc-ee’s is truly a monstrosity. A convenience store so large it becomes the most inconvenient shopping experience imaginable. Even the name defies convenience. Autocorrect almost begs you not to find one or speak of this Godless temple of man’s excess. 5 stars
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Husband: *belches
Me: Exactly!
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was