“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
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My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.