Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…

Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!

this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in

This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.

[at craft beer festival]

Me: Miller Lite, please

*ukulele girl stops playing*

Bartender: *blinks repetitively*

Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*

Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.

Dear Diary—

Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”

[morning after getting drunk]

age 23: did i make out with that guy

age 36: did i wash my face

*snowing outside*

HIM: I should salt the front walk

ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor

Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.

My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.

[Movie Theatre]

Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.

8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.

Me:

Employee:

*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*

[ spelling bee ]

judge: your word is feeling

me: can you use it in a sentence

judge: how are you feeling

me: ok

judge: wrong

[holding an acorn]

“do you still love me?”

Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”

“Shaddup you!”

WIFE: what the hell happened here?

ME: i broke an egg

[earlier]

ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit

I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”

My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.

I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.

I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.

my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm

*waving two guns around menacingly*

WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE

[inventing video games]

i wanna be lazy but with a purpose

“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”

–spirited debate

Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..

“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”

me: would you like beans?

3: no

me, trying to instill manners: no…what?

3: no beans

once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.

I’ll never salute you, General Settings

*licks finger, holds it up in the air*

ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.

Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:

Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.