Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.

You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.

My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.

My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.

In other news, I found my car keys in the air fryer.

1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows

Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.

He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.

Now, he’s worth $190 billion.

The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.

A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.

I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.

Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?

I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.

I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.

Man: You’re killing me

Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material

[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school

husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking

This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob

A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .

One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.

I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen

Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?

*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*

When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter

😉😝

My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.

Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.

Sometimes, when I’m on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like “so, I’ve never dated a mom before”

I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..

-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?

-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do

-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day

KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.