Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect

Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point

I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.

Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3

Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?

Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.

Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.

“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”

Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories

Me: Maybe you should start counting your days

Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?

Me *reports him to Human Resources*

This week, we’re celebrating International No Wi-Fi Day! 📴✨
#WawawiwaComics

Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack

man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single

why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.

Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.

John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.

*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?

Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.

In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.

My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts

I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do

“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”

“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”

And those were his last words

[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*

Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.

Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.

“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”

~men about to have their bunny boiled

I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.

👃🏻: what are you wearing?

😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.

Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.

Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.

Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!

“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon