“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
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What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
i love meeting boys on tinder
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Leave it to Stephen Chow to pull off one of the funniest and dopest fight scenes in history without ever even throwing a single punch or kick. Bruce Lee’s “Art of Fighting Without Fighting” fully realized.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Holy crap this is wonderful
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel