“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
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Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon
Found the job I’m suited for
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.