Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is it spelled “camouflage” and not “ “

Dear Santa,

I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.

Oh, SONOFA-

america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon

teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun

Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.

Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No

Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.

Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!

Me: Soup

W: That’s Queso dip!!

M: Cheese soup

vader: i am your father!

luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes

vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?

luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much

vader: i swear, i nev-

luke: you make me sick

My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.

14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal

I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.

Body by Oreos

me: [searching for the will to live]

will: I have a girlfriend

Single in your 20s: help your friends move

Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends

I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.

Use protection, young people.

just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.

Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.

Me: Silently? No.

I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.

You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”

– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters

Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.

Born to be mild.

I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair

roses are red
i fall when i skate

This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.

Trying to figure out if this girl from high school and her husband got divorced. I’m incredibly busy

My level of hotness..

I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.

Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:

Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.

The British Museum will take anything but jokes.