Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”

I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue pies

Okay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version

Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious

A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.

Wife: could you just run to the-

Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT

Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.

right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson

You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store

I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.

Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.

mary: my water broke

joseph: why do I smell grapes

Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too

Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain

Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in

The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.

I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.

I basically called this earlier today

Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.

I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.

My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.

*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW

I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.

Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.

There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right

[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse

Happy Taco Tuesday

Me: Want a back rub?

Wife: It depends

Me: On what?

Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?

Me:

Wife: No. The answer is no.

Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.

In that case, silence is very very suspicious!

When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too

Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.