what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
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I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Body by cheese-puffs.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”