Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you

peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig

Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.

That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers

Wife: Can you turn on the oven?

Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]

Wife: why for everything

My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.

Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.

Scans first item.

Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”

It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”

My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.

“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”

Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??

TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.

ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.

[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”

ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies

Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot

Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance

Boss: It’s broken and does nothing

Me: shit

They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.

Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?

My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics

When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.

AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!

ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.

AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.

bought wrong eggs

I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.

If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.

[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?

I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…

we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌

I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.

Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*

My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances

*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.

I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.

The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:

1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween