Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.

Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.

I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.

DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.

PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}

DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.

My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt

Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.

me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]

robber: why are u wearing a glove

me: I meant to grab my bat lol

robber: lol

BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day

I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?

“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.

Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.

ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard

HER: what mask

ME: oh

what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit

A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.

I felt a fool.

Everyone else was wearing clothes.

Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.

ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.

HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?

When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of growing up to satisfy user needs in a way that meets business goals for transformative outcomes

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.

Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time

A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”

I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.

My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.

Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.

How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.

If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants

8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?

Me: I want you to do some chores.

8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.

Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.

No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory

*looks hard af*

*pukes polaroid*

Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.

“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.