What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
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“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
Bond. Trauma bond.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
So creative 😂
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
My 4yo was struggling to put his shorts on this morning. I went to help him, pulled the waistband up, and an alarm clock flew out the leg hole
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
*Likes every cat post that comes across my feed
Me: MY GOD why am I only seeing posts about cats
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
just having fun
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces