What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
You Might Also Like
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
The happy life.. 😊
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no