What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
I don’t like people staring at me on a good day let alone when I’m naked in the Smithsonian with my mummy bandages removed.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.