What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
You Might Also Like
Kinda lame that pretending everything is fine isn’t working
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
GUYS.
For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.
TWO SEPERATE MEN.
TWO YEARS GUYS.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
BRO LMFAO
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Highway cops are so childish. Oh you’re hiding behind a bush in your Ford Escape? Gonna pop out and chase me? Grow up
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.