What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
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Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
I think this cat is broken
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Good morning ☺️
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Mapping America’s Far Right
