What’s your superpower?
Spiderman: ummm, parkour.
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Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
caveman: can I use some of that fire?
caveman who invented it: why?
caveman: im gonna burn glorg house down
caveman who invented it: no that’s arson
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.