What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
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“now i’ve seen everything” no you haven’t. have you seen a frog drive a submarine? shut up
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”
Toto: “Da f**k I do?”
You might just have to resign…
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.