What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
You Might Also Like
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
I cleaned under the fridge and the stove. Found 47 dog treats and 3 ibuprofen. So an even 50 treats then.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon
HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?
ME: I do not.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.