What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
You Might Also Like
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Aries: The pain in your back is your skeleton trying to get away from the most annoying person in the world.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined