Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”

Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.

don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”

about to have the best blueberries of my life

If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.

My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin

Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.

[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy

My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.

Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.

BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?

I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”

I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.

On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”

..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”

Genie: I grant you three wishes.

Bob: I want to be rich.

Genie: Granted.

Rich: I want a lot of money.

[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this

Text: How come you stopped drinking?

Me: Because I kept waking up with you.

Her: I hate you.

Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.

ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?

PRODUCER: You mean a choir?

ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?

Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?

*Sees couple arguing in store*

*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*

Shout out to the racoon or drunk person messing with my trashcans right now. Thank you for laughs, making me feel more sober than I am, and making me double check my doors are locked.

The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.

Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time

Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges

me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux

penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]

me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size

GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this

I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.

If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.

Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?

People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?

the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it