Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.

This anagram machine is out of order.

Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.

It’s actually Dr. whatever

Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!

Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.

Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-

Me: Yes, I know…the drill.

terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live

me:

terminator: i said come with me if

me: i heard you the first time

this article brought to you by lions

Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”

Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”

[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]

“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”

*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*

“Screw this!”

When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.

I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.

Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.

Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete

Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here

Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.

Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.

I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.

Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.

My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.

My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym

Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.

The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship

Not with that attitude

[walking out of restaurant]

DATE: let’s do this again

ME: thank god I’m starving

*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here

Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.

Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish

[Phone Call]

Me: My hair has never been this long before

Her: How does it look?

Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…

Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…

Me: …with a big bald spot on top.