Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.

Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:

1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math

4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.

Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits

Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.

I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.

[Planning a heist]

ME: Did you scope the place out?

PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards

ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs

THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:

– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever

– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken

– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order

[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,

I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness

Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.

I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.

NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.

ME: Oh that makes much more sense.

[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]

Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.

*on first date*

Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?

If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity

My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.

“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”

– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise

I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband

My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.

Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.

Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.

Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?

Me: Your head.

[before lamps were invented]

moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast

My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.

I’m sorry.

Her: Penny for your thoughts?

Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?

Her:

Me:

Her: Can I have my money back please?!

stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons