Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Justice League HQ]

SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight

MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes

CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one

Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.

After a certain age your body is like a car boot sale….
Some stuff looks old, some stuff doesn’t work, and some stuff you can’t even identify.

All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend

My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude

“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.

nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”

You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof

My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.

Crisis averted, for now.

I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.

My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”

Building contractors don’t want your help, Annie, even when you offer them your Altoids tin full of brads.

A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.

The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the room

Me to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT

Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down

age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch

age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks

ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now

FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—

ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all

It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.

I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.

him: i will see you in court!!!

me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.

Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece

chiropractor: so what can i help u with today

me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman

grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER

Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’

Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?

scary then: a phone call came from inside the house

scary now: a phone call

Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels

ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward

GENE: what is it

ME: hygiene

GENE: hi kev

My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.