Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
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There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
the answer was staring at me all along
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.