Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly

first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died

Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”

Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’

Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.

I passed with flying carpets.

My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one

The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.

don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.

I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”

I’d … I’d rather not.

That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.

Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!

Huh. You look upset.

Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.

You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.

WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work

ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.

How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?

I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”

So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.

It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?

Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder

[Wendy’s Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.

ME: Sir please get back in your car.

INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.

Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.

writers really said: what if homework… was a career.

I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.

Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.

Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?

Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.

Kylo:

Leia:

Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?

Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.

Real 😅

Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.

Me: Neither are you.

Zen master: Oh bugger.

If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.