[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
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Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
I hope this email finds you in a well
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.