Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward

Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.

I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”

Cashier: “Have a great day!”

Me: “No thank you.”

There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.

I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.

my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?

my husband and i: ………👀

6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?

*synchronized sigh of relief*

I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.

Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.

*looks at 4 children*

“You leave me no choice.”

*eats last 3 cookies*

To do list:

1) Kill the fly in my room.

2) Try to snort multivitamins.

3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.

4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.

How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7

Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?

#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”

Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]

*Falls off ladder*

Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?

It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you

Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?

Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.

I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.

My 7-year-old wrote this joke:

What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.

I’ve never been more proud.

man: want a carrot?

horse: ok.

man: we’re friends now right.

horse: i guess.

man: great hey can you help me move.

I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.

I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.

We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.

My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”

According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”

HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes

MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed

My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂

Her: Do you have any fantasies?

Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long

Her: No I meant like hot ones

Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread

Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.

I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce

1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life

DATE: how do you know that

*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET