Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[reptile bar]

SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie

COBRA *blushing*: tee hee

Judge: how do u find the defendant

Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor

i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”

Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable

if you care about the planet have unprotected sex!

PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day

ME: Thanks, have a great baby

[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah

Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.

My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.

Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats

5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!

me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket

Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?

Doctor: We can try, but I never met him

Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out

COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?

ME: lol no it’s a cardigan

[after recapturing an escaped convict]

sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”

convict:

deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”

sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”

You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.

If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.

Me: You’re my favorite kid.
My kid: My favorite adult is Santa

There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:

1. I get distracted.

When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.

It sounds better than stalking.

Phone

Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?

Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!

Me: Oh good

Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast

How high do the levels go?

ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT

The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.

My son wants a proper drum kit for Christmas but I’ve only got him a miniature one so I’m expecting wee percussions…

I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.

I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops

You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.

When they talk about CIA on cooking shows

What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs

I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.

I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.