Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Tarot reading ends]

Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!

Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.

First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching

[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one

“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”

— Advent door 21

I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.

Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no

“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”

“Sir this is a Wendy’s”

Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.

Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?

Her: Yeah, a little…

Me: I was talking to my mom!

Mom: No, I’m fine.

4: *hands me a broken toy*

Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it

4: ok but be careful next time

Me:

Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.

“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”

this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that

The coziness of a bed is directly proportional to how inhospitable the outside environment is. The beds on oil rigs and in arctic research stations would thus rank among the coziest; the hypothetical least cozy bed would be one that exists in a land entirely made up of pillows

Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror

A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.

Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.

My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.

I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”

You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.

I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator

Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!

Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.

The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.

Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5

Celery is depressing green water wafers.

What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?

[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha

Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.

Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*

[hours later]

Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL