Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[airplane nose dives]

*turns to kid behind

‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’

I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”

You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,

Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.

“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”

I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.

If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems

Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs

Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”

Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing

I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.

There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires

There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again

I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between

If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people

*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel

Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.

I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.

This hospital has everything

Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.

HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE

[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call

You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.

The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.

Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.

I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy

I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.

Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio

Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is

Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot

I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.