whelp that’s enough instagram for today
You Might Also Like
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Fries, not lies.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.