whelp that’s enough instagram for today
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SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem