whelp that’s enough instagram for today
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Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Raisins are grape jerky.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Sending in my taxes
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?