When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
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Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Yup!
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
They should build a separate grocery store for people who have actually purchased food before, know how to push a cart, and possess at least an ounce of spatial awareness.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Every work meeting this week
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
finally found a reasonable question
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
I buried one of those 12ft skeletons in my yard. Gonna make one hell of a true crime podcast someday.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Uh oh…
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
I told the family that I had to go into work for a few hours but I’m actually just sitting out in the shed eating a bag of Baconators in peace.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
