When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
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One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
My life coach traded me.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Does anybody flutter a cape like Adam Driver and yet he still has not played Dracula in a movie possibly because he is sort of playing Dracula in every movie
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?