When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
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does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee