When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
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Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Spell check is for lasers.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
A comic by Hugleikur Dagsson
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
friend: promise you didn’t get me a beeper
me: [from a distance] just open it
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…