When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
You Might Also Like
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Check your privilege
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what