Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are all the non essential oils out of work now?

12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games

How I like cutting carbs

*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.

[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care

[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.

Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.

[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”

🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet

the worm is coming from inside the brain

OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.

I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference

you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.

*all the animals gathered around Adam*

Lion: Tell us again how you named us

Deer: Yes tell us tell us!

Adam: Well I-

Lumpsucker fish: boooo

Adam: I just-

Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO

GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?

MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…

GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?

If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.

Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.

I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.

Husbands and wives who never fight,

How does your house get cleaned?

It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.

I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.

Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.

Her: Don’t you have a child?

We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.

We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’

*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*

*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*

Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery

i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work

If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor

The job market has never been worse and LinkedIn still thinks it’s smart to send notifications like “you got a message! It’s an ad btw!” If this website existed in the physical realm I would hit it with my car

Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.

Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.

First hand-job experience = bad.

Perfect.