Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context

Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background

First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.

don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays

DJ Aligator is my favourite musician named after two things that tried to bite me in my twenties.

What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.

[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]

Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.

Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.

Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?

Me, licking case: and jam.

Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.

Him: Where’d you get that black eye?

Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.

Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.

Me: I did too…

Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?

Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out

Kill it with fire!

*douses it in hot sauce*

“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.

Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.

judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?

me: I do

People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.

I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.

[making tennis equipment at 3AM]

neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket

I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone

Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of

*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”

I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.

guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish

I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.

The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.

I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave

[slips the bus driver £20]

“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”

Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.

To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy

cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR