Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.

[Me as a Realtor]

BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted

interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?

According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.

Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.

‘Just Do It (Yourself)’

NIKEA

Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.

Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah

Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people

The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.

*holds boombox over my head outside your window

Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?

Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.

she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October

Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.

If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.

My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker

*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?

I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.

I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.

tweeting shouldn’t cost money but it should flip you on your back like a bug for 15 minutes

“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”

-meteorologists

i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time

a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat

good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler

I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…

lacktoes intolerant

*opens another beer*

What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.

Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.

[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho

Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.

A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless