Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up

I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.

If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.

I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.

If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now

[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]

“what are you doing inside my house?”

He: did you burn dinner again?

Me: it’s a Flambé.

He: it’s mac and cheese

Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!

The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded

Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.

Body: We need to sleep

Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?

Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS

doctor: your system is full of drugs

patient: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

patient: you can’t see him

I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.

Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.

You’re not an “empath”.

You have “chronic heartburn”.

💀💀💀💀

[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan

Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”

I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.

Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……

Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.

Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh

My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.

When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.

Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.

Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man

Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted

Interpreter: I can’t help u dude

Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.

Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.

My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.