When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
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*pronounces bondage like corsage.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
thanks auntie mary
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.