When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
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My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
you also like cloning? well that makes two of us
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
White border agent = Vanilla Ice
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
January 1st: anything is possible
January 2nd: but not today
I get so annoyed when horror movies begin with the family moving to a new house, and the parents say “This place will be good for us. We will finally be happy here.”
But you already know they’re not going to be happy, because the movie is called “The Ghost That Ate Grandma”.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.