When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
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There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
just bought 4 pounds of cherries like I’m in some f***ing math problem
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Math at Halloween.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
A dead goose is called a ghoost
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”