Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
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6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
A woman drives into a bar.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama