@JustHadOneJob
Legend.
@Skullcat
When a big account that doesn’t follow me stars me suddenly, I crouch down and stay still, hoping it will tiptoe up and eat from my hand.
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@JustHadOneJob
@VeryLonelyLuke
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
@WheelTod
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
@imdaintyaf
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
@dshack8
Although no words have been spoken per se, I’m pretty sure the dude in the next stall just challenged me to a beat-boxing contest.
@garrettbarry70
More bad news.
Apparently there is a thing called a wine stopper.
@Elizasoul80
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
@madlymomming
The bright side of 2020 being the worst year ever is that it will drastically reduce the amount of “hindsight is 2020” jokes next year.
@Marcmywords2
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
@WilliamAder
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.