No. YOU-buprofen.
You Might Also Like
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
I love wikipedia
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it