@Skullcat

When a big account that doesn’t follow me stars me suddenly, I crouch down and stay still, hoping it will tiptoe up and eat from my hand.

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@VeryLonelyLuke

I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp

Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age

Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.

@WheelTod

Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!

But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.

@imdaintyaf

[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]

@dshack8

Although no words have been spoken per se, I’m pretty sure the dude in the next stall just challenged me to a beat-boxing contest.

@Elizasoul80

Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.

@madlymomming

The bright side of 2020 being the worst year ever is that it will drastically reduce the amount of “hindsight is 2020” jokes next year.

@Marcmywords2

Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!

Love Mom XO

@WilliamAder

Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.