When a big account that doesn’t follow me stars me suddenly, I crouch down and stay still, hoping it will tiptoe up and eat from my hand.
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I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
Although no words have been spoken per se, I’m pretty sure the dude in the next stall just challenged me to a beat-boxing contest.
More bad news.
Apparently there is a thing called a wine stopper.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
The bright side of 2020 being the worst year ever is that it will drastically reduce the amount of “hindsight is 2020” jokes next year.
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
Love Mom XO
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.