When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet
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my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
This will never not be funny to me.
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ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
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“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
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Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here