Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival

💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?

I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…

Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.

best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.

dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”

do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!

16: I hate old people.

Me: That’s where you and I are different.

16: You like old people?!

Me: No, I hate everybody.

I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.

wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly

me: u didn’t even turn it on

When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.

Last night my neighbour came home drunk and banged on his own door for like 5 minutes. Problem is, he lives alone….

So I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left!

Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!

Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!

Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned

me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25

slow driver in front of me:

“Look, I’m not going to sugar coat it.”
-why my donut shop failed

Cop: freeze sucker

Me: it’s called a popsicle

I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday

My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.

*possum hospital

Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute

God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.

Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105

– Fancy restaurants

It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:

1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat

Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides

Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you

I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.

me: what kind of dog is that?

him: husky

me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?

Does anyone else’s spouse insist on eating and drinking in the car while driving?

My wife has spilled so much stuff in her car that it looks like the movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was filmed inside it.

Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?