When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
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I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
meow
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Well well well…
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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