When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
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Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”