Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sometimes i miss this memes

“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.

Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?

Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.

People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!

A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.

A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing

I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.

I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.

DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.

Me: I am mad.

DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.

Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.

getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”

Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*

SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP

Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.

I think I look pretty okay for my age. It’s just when I hold menus two feet from my face that I know the ruse is up.

Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.

ME: There are 18 sheep.

RANCHER: Round ‘em up!

ME: There are 20 sheep.

Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.

To me, being Single means never having to apologize..

Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced

Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.

My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.

As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.

asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu

{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.

Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin

You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping

CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT

At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.

. ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch

Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:

I’m mad and sad and doing very bad

Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.