When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
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I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.