When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
You Might Also Like
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.