Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird

When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.

DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:

– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash

– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth

– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry

Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.

Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.

Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.

*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*

Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.

i can’t work under these festive conditions

why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .

If you think my heart is cold, you should feel my feet.

I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.

when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡

You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”

Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people

Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?

Me: Perfect

Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…

I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”

me: alexa

alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-

me: is it okay to microwave glass

alexa: for how long

I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.

5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad

At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.

The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.

This is an absolute shit investment.

[Fortnite with 9]

9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?

Me: Sure, why?

9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.

I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.

I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.

I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.

“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”

Me: Sees Video

Me: Checks Internet

Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.

kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back

me: *hugging his dog* no

Oh no 😂😂💔😭