Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life

Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.

Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.

Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial

The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.

Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.

doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news

me: better than having fox news 😉

doctor: hahahaha 🙂

me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂

doctor: haha give or take

[Pokémon Pitch]

Writer: pet training with wild animals

Exec: thats already a thing

Writer: kids are the trainers

Exec: seems irresponsible

Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something

Exec: why

Writer: unclear

Exec: tight

*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”

People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.

“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out

Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.

A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”

He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.

Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.

Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”

and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.

but they meant Will and Kate ☠️

1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?

-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation

I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab

and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”

If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….

When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.

Daylight savings is not enough. You need to be daylight investing.

Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.

I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..

Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0

I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.

My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.

Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me

I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.

Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”

Cake safety first. Always.

I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.

[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]

Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!

14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.

[at restaurant]

Me: What’s under all that garnish?

Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.