When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
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My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
How dramatic are you?
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This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
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It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.