Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Carl: “It’s chilly out.”

Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”

“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”

“Fair enough, Carl.”

Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.

Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!

Me: I didn’t mean for you.

crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it

I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.

colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000

I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.

They say you are what you eat.

*opens a big bag of nuts

[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?

The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.

If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty

*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away

As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.

Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.

This is deadly serious:

Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”

There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.

There are 233 today.

There will be *5,000* in a week

TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.

If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.

The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.

Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.

Now, I don’t even walk into the right room

Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.

Chickens only make one sound, because they can’t think outside the bawks.

I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.

(The most unconvinced I have ever been in my life) that makes sense

Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants

I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand

In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.

*First and last date:

“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”

Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.

If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.

Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.

*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors

“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.

I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.