Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.

Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..

My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.

Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter

Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross

Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.

Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.

If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.

when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak

I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.

If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.

me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man

Times are tough, wanna go halfsies on this demon with me?

If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over

It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor

“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market

Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.

If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow

New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.

Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?

Dumb Bob: You add S.

T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.

DB: [writes] SNAIL

“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”

~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions

I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.

My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”

If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now

[Out at a restaurant and police officers walk by our table]

Me: Hey kids, say hi to the police.

6yo: Are these the guys you told me yesterday to not tell that you went through a red light?

Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.

In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me

Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.

Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?

Me: I follow my heart…

[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

Daughter: So I gather

Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.

Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.

[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.

Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.