Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how to screw with your cat’s head 101

[in someone else’s master bathroom]

5-year-old: They have two sinks.

Me: Yeah.

5: One for each hand.

I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.

What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.

My retirement plan is to become a cat.

There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.

[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”

baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy

He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.

verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet

“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.

(my first day as a transformer)

optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!

Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE

Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately

Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?

Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!

“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother

Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.

The booster protects against what, now?

me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both

me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet

One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.

“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”

-a potato

At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.

A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”

Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.

Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.

My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.

Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.

I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently

i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue

My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale

My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts

All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.

If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.