Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets hit by car

**back cracks

Me: Thank you!

“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.

My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.

Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.

roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep

I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken

Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs

Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?

Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them

Them: Are you Jewish?

Me: Yup.

Them: And you’re from Toronto?

Me: Yup.

Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.

Me: Not every Jew knows each other.

Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?

Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.

My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.

Her: come over

Me: are your parents home?

Her: no 😉

Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!

Never ghost your hitman.

Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.

I just can’t handle it anymore.

[runs inside of a gas station]

“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”

*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game

Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.

vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.

Sometimes American Magic is the only way to go.

Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”

Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”

Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.

Stop blaming your parents.

You’re 32.

Blame your spouse.

As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.

My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?

Me: sorry I was talking to myself

hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?

me: I guess me

hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you

me: that feels like even more reason to tell me

Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.

My kids refused to let me “friend” them on Facebook, as they didn’t want me to see what they were up to. So I created an account for the family dog, they immediately friended and I can see everything.

A leaf blower, but for people.

If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.

ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.

QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?

Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was

My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.

Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.