Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
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It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
You had me at “we’ve got the place surrounded”
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
“GO SPORTS!” -how I cheer for all sports
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you