@robdelaney

When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.

@RidiculousSheri

It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.

-Nervous Nelly

@SteveDutzy

Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.

@abbycohenwl

Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading

@briangaar

You had me at “we’ve got the place surrounded”

@Bownuggets

Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs

@

“GO SPORTS!” -how I cheer for all sports

@DurtMcHurtt

[meeting girlfriend at the park]

Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!

Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.

@ArfMeasures

BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home

ME: *slips him some money*

BOUNCER: What’s this?

ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you