When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
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*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
what’s more important?
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.