When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.

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Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.


It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.

-Nervous Nelly


Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.


Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading


You had me at “we’ve got the place surrounded”


Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs


“GO SPORTS!” -how I cheer for all sports


[meeting girlfriend at the park]

Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!

Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.


BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home

ME: *slips him some money*

BOUNCER: What’s this?

ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you