Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“How old are you?”

Things you say to your third child.

You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong

My husband just brought me a glass of wine unprompted. He must’ve noticed I cut my bangs today.

You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.

Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.

Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.

It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.

Me: That is a dank whale

Date: That’s a killer whale

Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce

PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor

owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island

They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second

ME: what’s wrong

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence

Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt

Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.

Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself

Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.

[Sitting down at a restaurant]

Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.

YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.

ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.

People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.

Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.

Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.

Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.

I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.

Marked safe from having the gene that causes people to maniacally clean their house when they find out that someone is coming over to visit. I cannot say the same is true for my wife.

Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.

“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made horrible tea.

*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*

Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?

Dave: Death!

Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.

There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.

this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*

My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.

DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2

REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries