When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
You Might Also Like
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Growing up was a huge mistake
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
No laws when master is gone
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.