When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
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TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people
boss: you’re not on mute
me: i know.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
I think I’m having a stroke
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
how it started vs how it ended
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Being alone at Christmas can be challenging. People keep inviting you to things so you have to be very firm.
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Me, when Prime Video asks me to pay an extra $2.99 to remove ads.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me: