When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
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Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.