When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
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ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
My first son he is wonderful
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Good dog. ❤️
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
peeping toms
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.