When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
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Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX