When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
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I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?
Bernadette.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
“Do you have vegan options?”
“I’m a black belt in tofu!”
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
This comic I made in 2015 is my dads favorite comic in the entire world and every October he asks me to post it again… happy Halloween dad 🎃
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
**shaking a magic 8-ball**
Me: Will my vision ever get better?
Coconut:
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes