When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
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[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
[Arriving in Hell]
*Satan hands me a phone where every app has notifications but no matter how many times I try to clear them the red dots just won’t go away*
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan