When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
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Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
We are a nation of people who queue, and who know and respect the rules of queuing. This of course goes out the window when we hear “we are opening till number 4”
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one