When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
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[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.