Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.

I can understand why chickens wake up and scream

I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.

[at olive garden]

waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be

me: olives

waiter: ok

H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?

M: Can I wear my tiara?

H: I’d rather you not

M: Then no thanks

[husband leaves]

M: *whispers* works every time

A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room

Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it

If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you

waiter: have a good day

me: love you too

Me: What are you doing?

Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.

Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.

Wife:

I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire

How to pick up a girl in a club:

1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff

.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?

me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*

Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me

Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY

I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.

inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many

If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out

you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type

Me: I’m making home made soup.

H: Nice, what’s in it?

Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.

How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?

I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.

As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”

My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions

When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.

I don’t have a welcome mat at my front door bc I’m not a liar.

Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas

Who called them Underpants ?

And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?

my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”