When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
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[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
My new work colleague went to Argentina on holiday in September. I knew instantly he and I were not going to be friends when I said to him “at that time of year, it can be bordering on Chile” and he proceeded to tell me he was okay as he’d taken a jacket.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Omg 🤣
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.